~###~
"Outside of a dog, a good book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog,
it's too dark to read."                                 - Groucho Marx
~###~
"Please accept my resignation. I do not want to belong to a club that
would have me as a member."                            - Groucho Marx
~###~
        A bleeding heart can be hell on the carpeting.
~###~
" Those are my principles.  If you don't like them I have others. "
                                   - Groucho Marx
~###~
Sorry but I'm busy spending a year dead for tax reasons. -- RAEU
~###~
It must be in the basement; I'll go upstairs and get it. M.C.Escher
~###~
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count & those who can't.
~###~
Pascal - A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his
      	grave if he knew about it.
~###~
PROGRAM - n. A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input
	into error messages.  v. tr.- To engage in a pastime similar to
	banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities
	for reward.
~###~
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
                                                        - Donald Knuth
~###~
Windows, another fine product from the folks who gave us edlin.
~###~
Microsoft - Just say No.
~###~
Microsoft - Where the good job is v10.1 (?)
~###~
The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants;
instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance,
the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and
used instead of the longer form of the constant.  This also
simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
			-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox computers
~###~
Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
~###~
Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned 
in school.    				-- A. Einstein
~###~
"The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education."
                                            -- Albert Einstein.
~###~
God does not play dice with the Universe.    -- Albert Einstein.
~###~
Did you know that "Gullible" is not in the dictionary?
~###~
"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
usual way.  This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
thinks of complaining."
		-- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
~###~
If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer a
Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon and
explode once a year killing everybody inside. - Robert Cringeley (InfoWorld)
~###~
Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs
30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and weigh
only 1 1/2 tons.                               ---Popular Mechanics, March 1949
~###~
Things should be as simple as possible, but not simpler.
                                             -- Albert Einstein
~###~
To iterate is human; to recurse, is divine.
~###~
God is real, unless declared as an integer.
~###~
Unix:  When you can't afford the very best.
~###~
There's more than one way to skin a cat.  Number 15: Krazy Glue and a
toothbrush.
~###~
Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?
Because OCT(31) == DEC(25)
~###~
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a full
house and four people died.  -- Steven Wright
~###~
"How do you feel about women's rights?"
"I like either side of them."
        -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977
~###~
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it.
        -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977
~###~
We'll burn that bridge when we come to it.
~###~
Consistently separating words by spaces became a general custom about
the tenth century A.D., and lasted until about 1957, when FORTRAN
abandoned the practice.           -- Sun FORTRAN Reference Manual
~###~
Wayne's World C Programming Style Guide:
        A == B; !;
~###~
Illiterate?  Write for help!
~###~
One item could not be deleted because it was missing.
        -- Mac System 7.0b1 error message
~###~
Company slogan:  The Mandatory Beatings Will Continue Until Morale
Improves.
~###~
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence.  -- Jeremy S. Anderson
~###~
If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
~###~
                Ode to a Goldfish
                -----------------
                   Oh wet pet.
~###~
The problem with this country is that half of the population is below
median intelligence
~###~
Diplomacy is the ability to let someone else have your way.
~###~
Mommy, what does "Formatting Drive C:" mean?
~###~
C isn't that hard: void (*(*f[])())() defines f as an array of 
unspecified size, of pointers to functions that return pointers to 
functions that return void.
~###~
Alliance, n.:
	In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
separately plunder a third.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
~###~
Always remember that you are unique.  Just like everyone else.
~###~
"Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
that way."
~###~
An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
murder.  "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's
mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
suitcase.  Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a
murderer.  A sloppy packer, maybe..."
~###~
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
~###~
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
		-- Arthur C. Clarke
~###~
Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to
measure progress.  Some cathedrals took a century to complete.  Can you
imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
~###~
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
		-- Albert Einstein
~###~
"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
to suspect 'Hungry' ..."
		-- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
~###~
C, n.:
	A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more
like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or
anything else.  It is either the best language available to the art
today, or it isn't.
		-- Ray Simard
~###~
Command, n.:
	Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
~###~
Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be
yours too."
~###~
Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.

It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
~###~
Every program has two purposes -- one for which it was written and
another for which it wasn't.
~###~
Court Room Quotes

Q: "She had three children, right?" 
A: "Yes." 
Q: "How many were boys?" 
A: "None." 
Q: "Were there any girls?" 
~###~
Court Room Quotes

Q: "Do you recall approximately the time you examined the body of Mr.
    Edington at the Rose Chapel?" 
A: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 P.M." 
Q: "And Mr. Edington was dead at that time, is that correct?" 
A: "No, you stupid bastard, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
    doing an autopsy!" 
~###~
Court Room Quotes

Q: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in
   most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about
   it until the next morning?
~###~
Court Room Quotes

Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
~###~
Court Room Quotes

Q:  Are you married?
A:  No, I'm divorced.
Q:  And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A:  A lot of things I didn't know about.
~###~
Court Room Quotes

Q:  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A:  All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
~###~
Court Room Quotes

THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
	   information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
	   any ...
~###~
Court Room Quotes

Q:  Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A:  I will be three months November 8th.
Q:  Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A:  Yes.
Q:  What were you and your husband doing at that time?
~###~
Court Room Quotes

Q:  Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A:  No.
Q:  What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A:  Picking them up in the air.
Q:  Where was the dog at this time?
A:  Attached to the ears.
~###~
Court Room Quotes

Q:  When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
    able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
    go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
    him to the station?
MR. BROOKS:  Objection.  That question should be taken out and shot.
~###~
Court Room Quotes

Q:  Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A:  By death.
Q:  And by whose death was it terminated?
~###~
Court Room Quotes

Q:  What is your name?
A:  Ernestine McDowell.
Q:  And what is your marital status?
A:  Fair.
~###~
Court Room Quotes

Q:  What happened then?
A:  He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q:  Did he kill you?
A:  No.
~###~
Goto, n.:
	A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
to complain about unstructured programmers.
		-- Ray Simard
~###~
Happiness, n.:
	An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
another.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
~###~
Hardware, n.:
	The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
~###~
Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.  If they didn't have bugs,
then they'd be algorithms.
~###~
"I didn't know it was impossible when I did it."
~###~
"I had to kill him -- he was starting to make sense."
~###~
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World
War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
		-- Albert Einstein
~###~
In 1665 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of
stairs.
~###~
It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it
is.  If you don't, it's its.  Then too, it's hers.  It isn't her's.  It
isn't our's either.  It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
		-- Oxford University Press, Edpress News
~###~
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
~###~
Meeting, n.:
	An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
~###~
   n = ((n >>  1) & 0x55555555) | ((n <<  1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
   n = ((n >>  2) & 0x33333333) | ((n <<  2) & 0xcccccccc);
   n = ((n >>  4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n <<  4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
   n = ((n >>  8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n <<  8) & 0xff00ff00);
   n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);

		-- C code which reverses the bits in a word.
~###~
"No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining
occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as
an indication-applied occurrence."
		-- ALGOL 68 Report
~###~
On the subject of C program indentation:

	"In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be
	indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."
		-- Blair P. Houghton
~###~
Q:  Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A:  One per person.
~###~
Q:  How did you get into artificial intelligence?
A:  Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
~###~
Quality Control, n.:
	The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
~###~
QUOTE OF THE DAY:

       `

~###~
Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware.  Hardware
has limitations, software doesn't.  It's a real shame that Turing
machines are so poor at I/O.
~###~
Real programmers don't comment their code.  It was hard to write, it
should be hard to understand.
~###~
Real Time, adj.:
	Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there
and then.
~###~
"The Computer made me do it."
~###~
The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water.  Eager to show
off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his
next hunting trip.  Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the
duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the
duck and returned it to his master.
	"Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
	"Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't
swim."
~###~
There are two ways to write error-free programs.  Only the third one works.
~###~
There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
~###~
UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on
Tue Nov  5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).
		-- Andy Tannenbaum
~###~
USER, n.:
	The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot".
~###~
In a literature class, the students were given an assignment to write a
short story involving all the important ingredients - Nobility,
Emotion, Sex, Religion and Mystery. One student handed in the following
story:  "My god!" cried the duchess. "I'm pregnant. Who did it?"
~###~
Programmer (n): One who makes the lies the salesman told come true.
~###~
Courtroom Quotes

Q: Were you alone or by yourself?
~###~
Courtroom Quotes

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
~###~
Courtroom Quotes

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
~###~
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian
because I hate plants.  -- A. Whitney Brown
~###~
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
mistake when you make it again.  -- F. P. Jones
~###~
One bright day in the middle of night two dead boys rose to fight.
Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot one another.
A deaf policeman heard the noise, and saved the lives of the two dead boys.
If you don't believe this lie is true, ask the blind man, he saw it too.
~###~
What is a committee?  A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to
do the unnecessary.  -- Richard Harkness, _The New York Times_, 1960
~###~
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of
tapes hurtling down the highway.
                              -- Andrew Tannenbaum
~###~
Quando omni flunkus moritati (when all else fails play dead) 
~###~
~###~
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
~###~
From an old GNU C Preprocessor document:

   The '#pragma' command is specified in the ANSI standard to have an
   arbitrary implementation-defined effect. In the GNU C preprocessor,
   `#pragma' first attempts to run the game rogue; if that fails, it
   tries to run the game hack; if that fails, it tries to run GNU Emacs
   displaying the Tower of Hanoi; if that fails, it reports a fatal
   error. In any case, preprocessing does not continue.
~###~
"The question of whether a computer can think is no more
interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim ." 
                    E. W. Dijkstra 
~###~
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
~###~
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
~###~
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
~###~
echo '16i[q]sa[ln0=aln100%Pln100/snlbx]sb20293A2058554E494Csnlbxq'|dc
~###~
Computer Acronyms: INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY - Interactive Network For
Organizing, Retrieving, Manipulating, Accessing, and Transferring
Information On National Systems, Unleashing Practically Every
Rebellious Human Intelligence, Gratifying Hackers, Wiseasses, And
Yahoos.
~###~
What happens if a big asteroid hits the Earth?  Judging from realistic
simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we
can assume it will be pretty bad.  -- Dave Barry
~###~
char *p="char *p=%c%s%c;main(){printf(p,34,p,34);}";main(){printf(p,34,p,34);}
~###~
Q: How do you pronounce Linux?
A: Here in Fort Collins, it's LIN-uhks. As one poster said before, rhymes
   with "win sucks".  For that reason alone, I find it the most appealing.
        -- in comp.os.linux.misc
~###~
If NT is your answer, you don't understand the question
~###~
The software said it requires Windows 95 or better, so I installed Linux
~###~
Windows95 (noun): 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit
patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit
microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of
competition.
~###~
LAWYER: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
PATHOLOGIST: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for breathing?
PATHOLOGIST: No
LAWYER: So, when you signed the death certificate you weren't sure that he
        was dead, were you?
PATHOLOGIST: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a
             jar on my desk. But I guess it is possible he could be out 
             there practising law somewhere.
~###~
Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
                -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
~###~
Recursion: n., see Recursion.
~###~
So logically, if she weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood, and
therefore a witch.
~###~
"SPARC" is "CRAPS" backwards --Rob Pike
~###~
There's going to be no serious problem after this.  --Ken Thompson
~###~
To ensure privacy and data integrity this message has been encrypted
using dual rounds of ROT-13 encryption.
~###~
"If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a Windows box crashed...  
.... Oh, wait a minute, he already does."
~###~
Court Room Quotes

Q: "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
~###~
Court Room Quotes

Q: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
~###~
Court Room Quotes

Q: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
~###~
Court Room Quotes

Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
~###~
Court Room Quotes

Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir"
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
~###~
Court Room Quotes

Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
~###~
Court Room Quotes

Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
   notice which I sent to  your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
~###~
Court Room Quotes

Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
~###~
Court Room Quotes

Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
~###~
Court Room Quotes

Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
~###~
Court Room Quotes

Q.  Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A.  No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
~###~
Court Room Quotes

Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
~###~
Court Room Quotes

Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not,
   where there was a victim?
~###~
Your mouse has moved. Windows NT must be restarted for the change to 
take effect. Reboot now?  [ OK ]
~###~
"We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?" 
     - Niels Bohr (1885-1962) 
~###~
"Grove giveth and Gates taketh away." 
     - Bob Metcalfe (inventor of Ethernet) on the trend of hardware speedups
       not being able to keep up with software demands 
~###~
"You are installing Internet Explorer 4.0. Windows NT needs to overwrite
all your system dll's and restart your computer. Note that this
application is NOT part of the operating system. Good luck."
~###~
"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in
human history... with the possible exception of handguns and tequila." - Anon.
~###~
Q: Why do PCs have a reset button on the front?
A: Because they are expected to run Microsoft operating systems.
~###~
Unix is an operating system, OS/2 is half an operating system, Windows
is a shell, and DOS is a boot partition virus.
-- Peter H. Coffin
~###~
The WWW is exciting because Microsoft doesn't own it, and therefore,
there's a tremendous amount of innovation happening.
-- Steve Jobs
~###~
I've noticed lately that the paranoid fear of computers becoming
intelligent and taking over the world has almost entirely disappeared
from the common culture. Near as I can tell, this coincides with the
release of MS-DOS.  -- Larry DeLuca
~###~
        A THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures...........

Remember, when someone annoys you,
It takes 42 muscles in your face to frown BUT,
it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm
and smack the doofus upside the head.
~###~
The fact that we need UML diagrams means that something in our programming 
style is out of control.  We cannot follow what is going on.  A similar 
thing happened in the past.  Flowcharts were considered essential, until
structured programming was invented.  
                                                -- Jiri Soukup
~###~
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.
~###~
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and
talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data
processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.
~###~
"But what...is it good for?"
--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM commenting on 
  the microchip, 1968.
~###~
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
--Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
~###~
"This `telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously
considered as a means of communication. The device is 
inherently of no value to us."
-- Western Union internal memo, 1876.
~###~
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order 
to earn better than a `C,' the idea must be feasible."
--A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper 
  proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found 
  Federal Express Corp.)
