History of paintown: volume 1

  I used to go to my grandfather's house for breakfast in the winter. He was too old and usually drunk to actually make breakfast but since I was allowed to go there without my family I learned how to operate the kitchen and sneak a few shots of tequila every once in a while. I spent 5 winters making burnt pancakes and learning about the world through a drunken stupor before my grandfather passed away. I wasn't even told about his passing before the last time I went there. Here I am, a 12 year old kid and my parents don't even tell me that my grandfather wasn't going to be there. At least he didn't drink all the booze, maybe that was his parting gift to me. Thank grandpa.
  After that I dropped out of junior high school and joined the military. You might wonder why the military would allow a 14 year old to enlist but in fact they didn't. I became friends with one of the enlisted men through an online forum that discussed popcorn. He was the landlord of a commune on the base he worked at and he offered to let me stay there, since I had no other place to go. I lived in his place for a few years slowly learning the ways of the military through osmosis. When I was 17 I procured a fake id with a fake name and signed myself up to serve my country. Actually I couldn't care less about my country, I just noticed how much fun it was to get paid to work out and potentially kill people. The army being what it was, they didn't check any of my credentials and soon enough I was on my way to becoming a five star general, or at least mess officer.
  The enlisted men don't get much respect, especially from the officers, so after cheating on enough tests I had achieved the rank of second lieutenant. Having then been given more power and responsibilty than I knew what to do with I went AWOL in the hopes of settling down in the wilderness of Canada. The army went looking for me, of course, but I knew the guys that were going to do the searching so I bribed them to do a bad job. Not like they were going to do a good job, anyway, they were all dumb as rocks.
  I made my way past the border by pretending to be a homeless person. The Canadian border patrol apparently doesn't care about homeless people wandering into the country or maybe they were just very nice people. Either way when I saw a patrol person I yelled as many curse words as possible at him before he tipped his hat and said "Good day". Thouroughly confused, I made my way into some town and stole a few loafs of bread and matches. I found an uninhabited cave in the forests a few miles from town and started to make my home. I used my army training to start a fire using the bread and matches and settled down for the night. When I woke up 2 days later I noticed a huge bear poking its nose into my cave. My only recourse was to again yell curse words but I must have gone insane by then because the bear said to me "Dude, you can't live in here. Are you homeless?". After a few more curse words for good measure I realized it wasn't a talking bear at all. It was just some kids playing hide and seek in the backyard of their house. I apologized for sleeping in their backyard to which they said they were going to call the police. I informed them that I was a five-star general which they didn't believe at first but after rattling off a few random facts about the army they came around to believe in my new found rank. I told them that I needed practice doing "army things" and some of that consisted of taking a shower and playing video games. They agreed and let me into their house. I played all the games they had including Tekken, Bubble Bobble, PaRappa the Rapper, and others. All the games were terrible, except for PaRappa the Rapper, so I decided that I would use my military training and quick wit to create a new game. I demanded that the children teach me how to create something I could play on a computer and they said they didn't have a computer. I took their bread and matches and left their place.
  Then one day while loitering around a tv in a window shop I saw an ad for a school that promised to teach everything one needed to know about making games called Devry. I took down the number by scratching it into my arm and ran to the nearest telephone booth so that I could apply over the phone. When the woman on the other end asked me my name I burst into the story of my life and how I needed to learn about computers or my wife would leave me. That must have done the trick because she told me to print out their application and mail it in with the requisite $500. I said thank you, walked into a random store to use a printer, printed my application, and mailed it in. I left out the $500 dollars but I said that I had all sorts of degrees from fancy places like Harvard and Yale so I thought that would impress them enough to let me in for free. I used the address of the store who's printer I used so I had to secretly steal their mail for a week before I got a reply from Devry. The answer was "yes"! I had bullied my way into an esteemed instituion where I could learn how to make video games.
  I hitchiked a dozen or so rides until I found myself outside the Devry campus and prepared myself for my new learning experience. I wasn't any good at learning, but I was pretty good at cheating and got A's in most classes there. Some of the classes didn't seem very helpful at the outset such as "Finding your inner mario" and "More cheese please!" but I wasn't paying for the classes so I didn't care. I ended up being validictorian of my class and was supposed to make some sort of speech at the graduation so I rambled on for 45 minutes about how computers are the future and that love and peace are the true path to happiness. I think a dead goat could have been validictorian of that place because the crowd thought my speech was brilliant. I made the thing up on the spot for crying out loud! Anyway, with my new diploma in hand I started applying to some game development companies.
  I got a job as a junior programmer at some low rent video game studio. They were making a game about watching tv, of all things, which bored the living bajeesus out of me. Rather than waste my time on the game I buddied up with one of the lead programmers so that I could actually learn how to make games. Before that company fired me for doing absolutely no work, I learned how to write a program that printed "Hello world" to the screen. After some fiddling with it I was even able to make it print "Hello world" twice! I knew I was well on my way to becoming a five-star general of the video game world.
  Later, some italian guys around the neighborhood offered me a job protecting small business by breaking their windows unless they paid us money. I didn't understand what I was protecting but it was easy money either way. A few years of that gave me enough money to buy a condo, an internet connection, and a computer. At first I bought the same computer that we used at Devry, at 286 with an EGA monitor, but after reading some posts on usenet I discovered that my 286 was very old and I should have bought a 2ghz dual core something or other. With my new computer and lots of time on my hands I taught myself the art of programming and posting funny pictures of cats on the internet. Having mastered programming, I started on my quest to create the ultimate video game: Paintown.

The same story but translated to Japanese and back:

  In the winter I used to have breakfast in my grandfather's house. He was allowed a few shots of tequila secretly learned to go to my family, the breakfast is really that drunk, please work a little bit from the old kitchen look like? I bake a pancake 5 winter, my grandfather, who died before learning about the world drunk. In his path in front of me was the last time I went I did not. My parents and my 12-year-old child and my grandfather, I should say not. He is, at least, to me his parting gift perhaps, it did not drink any alcohol. Grandpa, thank you.
  After leaving school I joined the army. Why, the U.S. military and 14 years is you can actually enroll. I have popcorn and a friend, through online discussion forum, and enlisted men. He is elsewhere, and stay, I'm on the job since it was a commune that was great, I have to go. I have instead of him, permeated through the years, I lived in the military to learn how. I'm 17, but a fake name, fake ID, we have raised the country's own signature. I actually own the world, I do not care, I have been working to be more attention paid to kill people is fun. The Army is now my full five-star general, if I had been confused and that the officer could not verify his credentials, at least.
  He is a person, especially me, is that much respect after cheating on a test and join fully achieved the rank of second lieutenant. Above all, I know, do not have to leave no hope of resolving the nature of Canada is given the responsibilty of power. The Army for me, I see I was wrong to state that bribery work, everyone knew that was going to search for. Is a very good job, all the dams must be the rock.
  The homeless people I was pretending that border. Canada on border security, and I have very good people who are homeless or have drifted into a country I could not be disclosed. Before his "goodbye" to cap it with the words of a curse as much as possible of the officers saw him in the crime. Thouroughly confused, I have to go the way of their several cities, loafs of bread and matching stole. In the woods a few miles from my town to find a cave in the desert, I started my home. I started a fire pan, using a match, went down in the evening will be used in the army. I have two days, I have to realize that a huge hit in the nose of a bear, I was in the cave. Word is the only recourse I curse again, this is my "call out the bears to come, you can not live must have been mad when I here? Homeless?" I was in for good measure a few more curse words and is a bear after it was talking about. In the backyard of the house, the children were playing hide the only part. I have the back yard, they apologized to the bed and called the police. I was 5 I will bring you to the first, began to believe that after a few random facts about the Army's rank of my new discovery, and generally do not notice, threatening the stars was. I "" you need to practice some of the troops and has a shower and playing video games. They are trying to agree on the house. I have a bubble, all the games will be played PaRappa The Rapper and Tekken. All games, PaRappa The Rapper otherwise, I decided to use acrobatics and military training to create a terrible new game. If you can play on my computer, I did not have a computer, have a child who is asked to create something. I left the place was consistent with the bread.
  I was a Sunday School Devry if all the ads promise a phone call to the store window, the game is to teach him to be seen loitering around the need to know the TV. I have my arms applies to the nearest phone box, the number of injuries, but I ran the phone. Burst needed to learn how to leave my woman at the other end of the life of me I asked to have my name or my wife's computer. Her e-mail from the 500 applications that were printed, and you need a dollar that needs to be a trick. I'm in a random store, and walk to use the printer to print my application Thanks, I have $ 500 dollars, so my impression is just how much freedom , left in. Harvard is considering going to places like Yale extravaganza mail. Before me, the response from the printer Devry I used to steal the mail a week in secret, is used to store addresses. The answer is "yes"! I bully my Instituion Are you playing a video game to learn how to respect?
  I ride a dozen Devry hitchiked, new learning experiences on campus and I find myself for myself. I wish I was doing research in the abuse of the class is pretty good. At the beginning of some class like this, "your inner Mario" and "seemed to be Please search for cheese!" But I'm not paying attention because I did not have class. In some classes I validictorian without a speech before the graduation ceremony this TEITA rambled about 45 minutes, the computer used, and how peace in the future, has completed its path to true love and happiness . I was bright and a dead goat, the audience, so I think it is validictorian speech. I have the occasion to cry out loud! Anyway, I started to obtain a new diploma for several game development companies.
  I am in some low-rent BIDEOGEMUSUTAJIO, got a job as a junior programmer. They are all a boring life, I was watching TV bajeesus games. Instead, the lead programmer for the game is a waste of my time in this game is actually how I learn how to create buddied. Before, the company is definitely in my head, I said, "Hello World on the screen," I learned to write a program to print. And now my "Hello World" after the two were able to print, some fiddling! 5, I generally I knew it was the world's leading video games.
  Then, everyone around the neighborhood, I'm Italian, we do not work, please provide payment protection broke the windows of small businesses. However, I have been protected and did not understand what your gold. Years, my computer's apartment, and gave enough money to buy an Internet connection. Ega Monitor, 286, I used the same computer as a group of 286 first Devry and I bought a very old, 2GHz read this article you must have some I had to buy a dual core something or other later. I teach a new computer, a lot of time and their programming skills, I am posting a picture of a strange cat on the Internet. To learn programming, I play video games to create his ultimate quest: Paintown started.
